it feels like im in a race but i'hv already won first place.
i hate having to fight, i hate following them, i hate acting as if everythings fine coz it bothers me so much more than u know.
everything she does gave me a tick for an explosion.
i couldn't control myself. thinking how she's queueing desperately and faithfully behind me for a place in his heart.
my instincts are telling me so much things i couldn't deny cause its so obvious. if i deny, i'd be lying to myself. why should i?
yes, i think, i think too much. but this is very unfair to me. to have someone still sticking ard like as if nothing is happening. and play dumb.
disrespect me for what she wants. but hey, i want this too. but im finding myself so weak now.
too weak i need new pairs of leg and a new heart. perhaps new soul.
and keep thinking and thinking. especially these times, during the last 6 months bfre getting a diploma. im still not sure what i wanna do and erghhhhhh. killer!
well whatever it is for now, im gonna heed my dad's words " study hard first now, finish it all, then u think "
i swear he end his every sentence with "i miss u" and "on top of it all, i miss u" hahaha. so funny to get to know he slept while writing. and had to cancel the whole thing. =D
we always somehow think so alike of a certain situation and we can really understand each other so much due to this. this is so cool.
i wasnt expecting him to think like how i think. i thought i was being too sensitive. i dont dare tell him i was jealous and got very worried yesterday.
i know he hates me being overly jealous and sensitive. so i cant show him to not upset him again.
but i end up telling him today how i felt coz i found out he too was thinking and worrying that the same thing might happen.
im sorry i didnt give u what u need today. it was really a wrong timing and out of place. left me no choice no matter how much i want to provide what u need and to see u smile again. hope u'll understand ok?
Yea, IEP first day today! Read up alot. Brief intro here and there. Visited the secret garden and the sensory trail. Will be going to Chek Jawa tomorrow i hope. And hopefull its gonna get more enjoyable. Although there's only uncles therre. =( im still clueless about whats to come......
"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult"
"If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."
"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."
"I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile."
"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
"Forget who hurt you yesterday, But don't forget who loves you tenderly today."
“Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
“We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.”
“To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today”
To end it all, i worry too much and im asking for more trouble if i continue on like this.
FIGHT FOR WHAT'S YOURS
“When you are in a relationship and it’s good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”
That is so true. When everything comes crumbling down, i know the right person to turn to. And he will motivates me and give me real good advice which can give me a hard dick slap on my face sometimes. He's the only one that make sense. and he completes me totally. so blessed and blissful. (=
ok i should be cutting my fingernails now. IEP tomorrow ohh god save me. *bite lips* Mr. B says there will be people from other schools for his attachment. and showed me his "im loving it" face and i was like showing the "whatever im not jealous face" when actually thoughts are so crazy inside my mind. Like... "shit there's gonna be hot chix and he's gonna have an affair and he's gonna love it, he's enjoying it, he's gonna leave me". But what the hell? Why do my mind keep playing all these when nothing is happening (not gonna happen i hope). Okay u guess it right. I dont have any trust for him and i underestimate his faithfulness bla bla. But on the other hand. They are men. Men are like some other creatures with high testerones u know! How do i say it?? Oh well.
But for now, i will not get overly too jealous and trust him more. He deserve it. Its been 10 months with him, he didnt cheat on me (that was what he say and im believing it). And in this 10 months, i didnt give him any trust which he's kind of mad about it. So yea.
Trust him. If he's a good man worthy of my future, then good for u.
But if he cheats, good that i found out before getting more serious. Then i'll just dump him! He'll be at a loss of losing me. As for me, move on! Im worth of someone better than that cheater.
Whoa, im going too far now. =P
1st week of fasting down. 3 weeks to go. and i know this is so late to wish everyone "Selamat Berpuasa". I dont usually wish like this. I'd just watch everyone wishing me and i would just smile back. Well i dont put my username/url name without any reason.
I'll be having this IEP thing tomorrow. And i'll have to be going to pulau ubin every morning at 8.30 and will only be release by 6. Five days in a week for a month. Im not suppose to see this as a bad thing. I willingly signed up for this and fought through the interview to get this position. Now that i've got it, complaining is the last thing that i wanna do. I am aware that with this IEP i can only have 1 week of holiday which will be used up with FYP. But that's life. Sometimes you got no choice and all you can do is see the enlightenment in things. Then u are able to move forward with a smile.
Can't deny how much i will miss my Mr. B as he will also be having his own IEP at Alexandra Hospital. So yea, both working and fasting. We will only be spending time after work on friday and break fast together. Im missing him much now as he is at his Malaysia house with his family. He will go there every weekend to spend time with his family. and leave me here alone to sleep early and wake up late. haha.
FYP is another problem i have to face. I got a bad grade slapped on my face for Semester 1. People around told me i tried too hard. And Mr. B told me there's a difference between "Working Hard" and "Working Smart". Obviously im not doing the latter. How do i work smart for my FYP this Semester 2? How do i work smart without working too hard? For all i know im not gonna be so "hardworking" this semester. I've been unmotivated of late due to this. Perhaps i should see enlightenment in this too. Perhaps its HIS way to teach me something new. I dont know.
And im trying to work on this 2 quotes to heal myself
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us"